Speaker 1 (00:02):

Hi everyone, and welcome to this episode of Ask a Doula Giver. My name is Susan O’Brien. Today we have Amanda Kuda. Amanda teaches a modern approach to personal development, self-actualization, and spiritual enlightenment through the lens of elective sobriety. I am so excited about hearing this and talking to this woman. Amanda is currently releasing her book, bottled Potential This week. Amanda, thank you so much for being here. The minute that I heard about your book and what you teach, I was like, I have to get her on a podcast. And even though we are the deaf educators, you don’t understand, there’s so much in this space that I want to talk to you about, that enlightenment, about how removing alcohol and many other things in our life can really bring us to that place of spiritual alignment for our purpose and what we’re doing here. So welcome, Amanda.

Speaker 2 (00:57):

Thank you, Suzanne. I’m so excited to chat with you today.

Speaker 1 (01:01):

Me too. So I was reading obviously about you and your background, but I want to honor, and I think it’s so exciting how, I don’t want to say that you stumbled on this, but it kind of seems like, and I’m going to ask you some questions in a minute, that in 2017 when you did the January, the dry January, which I love by the way, and boy, we all could probably take a break at that point in January that you were like, what’s happening here? Something’s happening here and I really feel really good. And you dug deeper and then you went out. And again, you can fill in the missing pieces here to look for, okay, so if I don’t have a drinking problem and I don’t need aa, but I’m feeling something shifting by removing alcohol from my day-to-day, and I want to know what this is and I want more about it.

(01:55):

So you went online, you tried to research. Are there programs you didn’t find any? So what did you do? You created on your own? And I have to tell you, it’s kind of similar with my path in doula givers Create what you’re looking for. So let’s go back to that time. If you could, 2017, you decided to do a and share with us your journey. You’re a youngin. You’re in the midst of your life where alcohol plays such a role in so many of our lives, and we can talk about that as well because to make the decision, as we say, to put down the KAA and pick up the kombucha, which I love really does come with an adjustment in our life. So take me back to that place if you would. Where were you 2017 leading up to this dry January?

Speaker 2 (02:48):

Yeah. Well, in 2017, I had just really started a couple of years before that onto a more spiritually focused personal development focused journey. I had kind of done my rite of passage in my late teens and early twenties as a party girl and really done the social scene, and that was such a huge part of my identity. But I started to have this kind of spiritual awakening, existential crisis type thing go on that happened in my late twenties that I really started to appeal to this lifestyle that I had this kind of holy grail trinity of women who I was looking up to at that point in time. And they were Marie Forleo, Gabby Bernstein, and Chris Carr, who is a shared mentor of ours. And I really just admired what they were doing. They were on Oprah, they were speaking, they were writing, they had this ease about them to their lives.

(03:39):

And I thought, I want that. I want that. Can I have that? I don’t know. And so I started reading everything that Oprah suggested. Basically, she was my ringleader and I really wanted for this more enlightened, more spiritual, more peaceful, more peaceful life. And I think I probably am a little bit ahead of my time, and I’ve always been what I would call an old soul, but I just felt so deeply that what they were teaching wasn’t just marketing bullshit, that they were selling to make money. I really believed it and I couldn’t quite get there no matter what I read, what I did, how many meditations I did, how many journals I journaled in, it didn’t seem like anything was sticking. And so I started realizing that maybe it wasn’t so much about adding more of these practices into my life, but maybe it was about removing something that was detracting from their efficacy.

(04:37):

And the only thing that I could really find that wasn’t in alignment with this higher path was alcohol. And that was a disturbing realization because I didn’t have a problem. I’m not someone who thinks alcohol is bad, wrong or evil, or you’re damned to hell and you’re a terrible person if you drink. But it just really stood out as the outlier of this is incongruent with the lifestyle that I want, but I didn’t want to hear that Suzanne. And because it was such a stable in my social life and it’s what I had used to fit in, I am not someone who naturally is, I’m naturally outgoing, but I don’t naturally feel confident to be outgoing. And so alcohol had always been a tool, a social lubricant that I used to help bring out that more eccentric and outgoing piece of me. And I was terrified of how I would get along in the world if I didn’t have alcohol as my social crutch, my emotional bandaid.

(05:35):

And so I didn’t want that to be the solution. And I fought it for a long time and really tried to dabble in moderation and that we could get into as just more trouble than it was worth. And finally I got to January, 2017, I tried all of these other little kind of half-ass for no better word approaches, and I decided I’m just going to take a break. I’m just going to see what happens and what I can do. And in that 30 days of just taking a curious, let’s see what happens, break, I started to feel better. And I also started to sense that 30 days wasn’t going to really amount to much, and I just kept going. And eventually, which I’m sure we’ll discuss, but as the story goes, one thing led to another, and now I’m here seven and a half years later or so teaching about elective sobriety, teaching about sobriety as a tool for spiritual and spiritual enlightenment and personal development and writing a book about it. And you’re right, I would not have planned this, but this is the plan that presented itself to me and I followed it.

Speaker 1 (06:44):

Well, what I love about you so much is that you said, wait a minute. The one thing that I could come up with that’s not in alignment, I don’t want to give that up. Nope,

Speaker 2 (06:55):

I sure did not.

Speaker 1 (06:56):

And you did anyway eventually. And I think that’s so important. But here’s the other thing, liquid courage. So that alcohol is that liquid courage. And I think for 99% of us that are out, not we have the human experience that we’re feeling, but it breaks down our walls and it makes us think that we’re more charming, better looking or whatever it does. I love when we talk about that the alcohol, we get better looking after a couple of drinks. It’s really important because it’s almost ingrained in our upbringing in society that it’s not only socially acceptable, but when you remove it from your life journey, sometimes people are like, well, I don’t even know if that they think what’s wrong with you as much as, or equally as they’re thinking that maybe you’re judging them. So a very, and we’ll go into those dynamics, but I agree with you now. I grew up in New York City, so the social scene, and it was so much fun. We had so much fun, but at the end of the day, alcohol’s a poison and it makes you feel really, really bad after. And I’m extremely sensitive to that. And it was so funny because we used to go out and dancing and have so much fun and literally that you’d be sick for two days, and the minute you started feeling better, we would go out again, time

Speaker 2 (08:19):

To do it again,

Speaker 1 (08:20):

Then we’d do it again. And it was only when I was 26 when I had my child that, okay, now alcohol was not, my life is so different that I was like, I feel really good. I feel consistently really good. And there was also some enlightened energy that was just blooming and blossoming and shining. I look back to the drinking and I’m thinking, gosh, you’d have fun. You’d drink and then you’d go like this, and then you’d go up and then you’d go like this. And of course, how can you really make headway in your life and your purpose with that contracting and expanding? So I agree with everything that you’re saying, but we need to talk. I think about the benefits of us in this human journey, and now I’m going to speak from that end of life practitioner at the end of life when again, we’re holistic beings and we’re four bodies of energy.

(09:17):

And as I’m seeing people’s physical bodies diminishing at the end of life, their spiritual bodies growing, they have this profound wisdom and insight I call it when they get their spiritual eyes. And it’s so life-changing. To be in front of that and to hear that, and we can do things, we have to do the work when we’re in our human body, but we can do things to uplevel that wisdom, that being part of us, that enlightened part. And that’s, when you talk about it, it gives me goosebumps. Removing alcohol is such a fast way to help do that now. It doesn’t come without, and you said it yourself. I don’t give that up. Wait a minute, hold on. This is part of my social scene. So we’re really going to address things of that nature. But I’ll even go into when we eat clean and when we’re doing that grounding meditation, we feel that enlightened way too. So I think alcohol is one of the quick ways for people to be able to, if they want to step up and speed up their purpose enlightenment, they might want to even just try, like you said, putting down the alcohol for a while and seeing how that feels, trying that on.

Speaker 2 (10:29):

Yeah. Yeah. I love how you call it people getting their spiritual eyes because I think that I use a different analogy when I write, but from that perspective, I think that what I noticed is I wanted to have those spiritual eyes when I was drinking. And what I was doing though is I was blurring the image. So it’s like I was, I mean, literally your image does, your view does get blurry when you drink, but it was trying to look through the spiritual eyes with a pair of Coke bottle glasses that weren’t my prescription. And it was hard and it was frustrating and things weren’t making sense. And when I finally took off those glasses and put on the ones that belonged to me, that would let me see, clearly I had this spiritual sight and connection that was unfathomable to me before and just really beautiful and really miraculous. And to think that I’d wanted for it for so long, and it was right there within reach, but I’d been making a conscious choice to blur it. That is very, it’s a little, I wouldn’t even say disturbing, I don’t know, but I just have so much tenderness for that girl who wanted to have that experience but was holding myself back from it unwittingly.

Speaker 1 (11:45):

And I think when we hear about waiting to Friday and going out and drinking and partying, I think the human experience again has so many things that are heavy that we carry with us. And I either say we’re runners or we’re numbers. There’s no judgment in this, but alcohol can be used to run away from feelings, things that we’re carrying. And it works for that little window where you are doing whatever you’re doing. And then guess what? Your problems are not only still there, they’re probably going to intensify because they want to be seen and heard those hurts, those things that we’re, and we can’t do that if we’re constantly going this way and that way it’s only when we can stop and really be present in what we’re feeling and how we’re being that you can release it and then you can open up to your potential whatever you want in life.

(12:41):

So let’s talk about somebody who’s curious, and I love how you say it. It’s sober curious. It’s not, I don’t have a problem necessarily, I don’t have to go to aa, but I’m curious about what this would be like. What would you advise? Because there’s even at my age, which by the way, I’m in my fifties, here we go. There’s still so many things that are centered around alcohol-based activities. And it’s not my first jam, it’s not my priority. I’d rather do a yoga class or meditation or go on the beach or something. But a lot of stuff circles around that. What about for people who are in their twenties and thirties? What can they do and how can they step into this space and have a full social life without feeling again that they’re compromising or being left out of it?

Speaker 2 (13:32):

Oh, that’s a great question. And that was one of my biggest fears. And what I had to realize is that, and I didn’t realize this until I had hindsight, so I just want to turn you on to it. If you’re one of those people, no matter what age you are, that you are worried that your social life will be dismal, that you’ll become a social recluse, you’ll get rejected from your social circle. Whatever fear you have, I have had it too. And no one, and other people have had it as well, but from a spiritual perspective, we like attracts life. So when I was a drinker, I was attracting more people who were drinkers and partier and socialites. And because of that, I also had a limited perception. So it was like I was wearing blinders, so all I could see were more people like me, which made me swear to you, Suzanne, that everyone drank and that I would not be able to have a social life with without alcohol in the picture because there weren’t other people.

(14:22):

And I live in Austin, Texas. This is a large city. There are a lot of people. And what I was being stubborn about is I was not willing to take off those blinders and widen my perception. But the moment I did that, the moment I said, okay, I’m willing to believe, I’m willing to see that there are other people and other activities out there that don’t involve drinking, which of course there were of course there I was just being narrow sided and stubborn. As soon as I opened up and I said, I’m willing to see this differently. I’m willing to see other possibility and other people that exist. All of a sudden, boom, there are people all around me who I could befriend and activity to what my fear was trying to survive these boozy social situations, not drinking, which seemed awful. And a lot of the times it was actually, there were other options of things that I could do, but I was so in my own little narrow mind that I could not see that possibility.

(15:23):

And so what I would recommend is just be willing, willing to open up to the possibility that there are other people and other things. Now you have to go out and find them. Some of them will find you, but not always. You have to be willing to look. You have to do the work. But I think that I just decided I’m going to try to keep doing some of the things that I enjoyed when I was partying, and maybe just, maybe I’ll still enjoy them or maybe I’ll get a reality check. And I’ll realize that what made those things fun was the fact that I was a little fuzzy, a little loopy, a little drunk. And that’s okay too because there are other options of things to do, and I’m willing to be brave and try those. And I think it’s just shifting that perception from lack mentality to possibility mentality. And that really helped me when I was able to see the world through that lens.

Speaker 1 (16:14):

I love that. So for me, working with people the end of life, the number one regret is that they really didn’t live the life that they know they were here to live. This comes up for all of us. We know there’s more. We know I’m here for a reason, I have a purpose. And when we do certain activities and don’t get to it, we’re just living in that unconscious space of not finding it. You’ve got to give yourself the opportunity to be able to hear, to be able to see clearly what is your path. And I think it’s so interesting to me how not only socially acceptable alcohol is, but it’s almost like pounded into us to the commercials. You’re cool if you drink and you’ve got to get out there. And it’s literally keeping us from really being able to align and hear our purpose. And when you find your purpose, which I know that I have with my work, it’s like breathing for the first time. There’s nothing that’s sweeter than doing that, and everyone has that capability. So I love that you’re sharing that. Let’s talk about the book. So how did it come that you wanted to write a book? And I want to hear what this, I love the title Bottled Potential. Can you share with us how that came about? What’s in that book? And then of course, we’re going to share how people can get it,

Speaker 2 (17:35):

Of course. Well, I’ve known since I was a little girl that I was going to write a book. I would’ve didn’t even know what self-help was when I was a second grader. So had a very different perception of what this book would be back then. But as I started getting turned on more and more and more to this new way of being, a new way of thinking, I realized that I was onto something and I had tapped into an ability to live the life that I was meant to live. That so many people you were talking, that’s the regret on their dying day or their wishes that they would have figured it out or they would’ve lived more of life. And I realized that I had fallen for this lie, that cutting loose and having fun and drinking was it. And I realized that no, this is actually making me do more mundane, predictable, average, run of the mill things that aren’t aligned with whatever it is I’m supposed to do.

(18:33):

And in fact, it’s making me uncurious, uncreative, unclear uncapable of figuring out even what that thing is. I just couldn’t even fathom nor have the self-confidence to go after what I was really supposed to do in life when I was a drinker. And I felt like it just kept me marching along in unison with everyone else. It kind of gave me this herd mentality. So when I looked at back then, I realized that I wasn’t emotionally very stable, even though a lot of, I was pretty good at putting on a show, but inside my inner world was chaotic in terms of my professional life. I had chosen a career that I thought was good, right? Monetizable, secure. I had picked something that was outside of what I really wanted to do because I thought that was what was expected, and that was what would get me the money and the security that I desired or that I needed and had to have.

(19:30):

I didn’t have great relationships. I had a ton of large social network, but the depth and vulnerability of those connections was limited, and my romantic life was very stunted and unfulfilling. So I look at all of these things that I wasn’t living up to my potential in because potential isn’t just an achievement or an accolade or an amount of money or whatever it is, a trophy. It’s like, are you living the authentic whole hearted life that you are able to live in, that you want to live? And when I looked at my life, the answer was no, I’m not. And I had the sense that alcohol was keeping me small and stuck. And when I turned it on its head and thought about it that way instead of the way that we’ve been taught to think about it, if you don’t drink, you have a problem.

(20:16):

If you don’t drink, you’re missing out on something. And I started to believe and brainwash myself into thinking, drinking is what’s making me miss out. It’s making me miss out on my life, and I deserve to live a life that’s better than this, and I want to start now. I don’t want to wait until that dying day and think, wow, I wish I wouldn’t have partied so much because then maybe I would’ve written the book that was in me. And I just felt like everyone else deserved to hear that too. I don’t want people drinking away their dreams and all of the time that they have to give whatever it is they could give to the world. And I’m under no illusion that this book is for everyone and that everyone needs to or wants to or should quit drinking. But I think for, there’s a very significant number of us who want to wake up right now and they want for something more, and maybe they’re a little unaware that drinking might be holding them back.

(21:13):

So I feel like it’s just my moral calling to give them the permission slip and the guide that I have. And that’s where the book came into play. It was like I had to write it so that other people could have this knowledge and this other way of thinking. And I really wanted it to be different from a lot of the literature in this. It’s called Quit Lit is the name of the genre that I’m in, where you’re talking about quitting alcohol. And I wanted it to be this very uplifting, possibility focused story to inspire people, not to make people afraid.

Speaker 1 (21:51):

You just mentioned in what you shared, every aspect of a human experience, relationships, job, how you felt about yourself leveling up, everything leveled up when you quit living alcohol and when you didn’t, you were saying, I’m not doing a job. I thought it was everyone told me this or the relationships. And I can say that. I mean, I think, yeah, our antenna is off in all these areas and this is your life. This is your life. And so let’s go back if we could and talk about energy, because I want to talk about, you said attracts, and this is really true. It’s like what we’re feeling, our emotion and how our frequency is, is what attracts back to us. And when we’re not feeling well or drinking, by the way, when you’re hungover and your body’s sick and you’re having these thoughts like, oh, you’re just in that place. Think about all those signals you’re putting out there. I mean, you can’t get your life going in the real way that you want to with that. So I feel like when you said this, and it’s really true, this was something you had to do is write this book and give this tool to people because just sharing first of all your experience, but just saying this one thing may be the key for you, not just in a career or in relationships, but in all of it.

(23:28):

And so giving people that inside look at it, which I think is scary because I do personally know that there are people that had to and drop some friendships that weren’t serving them in that. And that’s what growth is though and aren’t the most important person here. And you can find your people in your tribe, but it’s most important to find you to find you. So I love it. Tell us a little bit more about what’s in the book and what people can expect when they get it.

Speaker 2 (23:58):

Yes. So the book is a holistic look at how alcohol has most likely filtrated so many of the facets of your life and how it really is something that mentally you need to go through a breakup with. And there’s certain steps to initiate and heal through that breakup that are really important. It’s not just about saying, okay, well, I’m not going to drink anymore because it’s more about the mental perception we have about alcohol, but also ourselves. And that’s the thing that I needed to be turned on to. I didn’t need to learn all of the science about alcohol. That was helpful to be reminded it was bad for me. But guess what, Suzanne? I knew it was bad for me in fifth grade when I went to Dare they tell you that drugs and alcohol are bad. So I knew it, but I still drink it.

(24:44):

And so I needed to get past the mental perception I had of why it was helping me, why it was necessary, why I thought it was beneficial. And so I really guide the reader through the first half of the book of how to rewire that mind that has been programmed into us, rewrite the story we’ve accepted. And in the second half of the book, I delve into each of the areas of holistic living, your emotional life, your personal goals, your professional goals, your spiritual connection, your relationships, your friendships, and how alcohol has probably stunted your growth or atrophied those muscles and how you can start to really flex those muscles and get your strength and confidence back in those areas. And also really tap into and elevate your potential and your expression of success in life. And I am just really excited to share it because I think that it’s taking a very wholehearted and positive approach to doing this thing that’s kind of like renegade. It’s very cutting edge to change the relationship with alcohol, but this is also the best time to do it because it’s kind of becoming a popular conversation. And I’m really glad to be in the forefront of the conversation while it’s being had.

Speaker 1 (25:55):

Yeah, people are waking up on all levels. And so this is just a great part of that wake up. And it’s really interesting because when I think about when I’m in situations and I don’t drink alcohol by choice, it’s very interesting because when I think of why do we drink and there’s no judgment here, but I’m thinking about, okay, when, so sometimes it’s to relax and fit in a little bit more with your liquid courage, and sometimes it’s to just forget about all the worries that you have in your life. Is that really the answer? Is that really helping? And so I understand, but we also want to give people the tools where you can literally then really be clear on moving past those things that you’re not just keep pushing them down. And this is a great way to do it. Two questions I have for you. What was your biggest aha moment during this time that you have not had alcohol? What was your biggest challenge that you found?

Speaker 2 (26:52):

So I will relate them back together. And actually I think this is really great because it relates directly back to your audience who are helping and supporting people in a very, very tender time. And I’ve experienced, I’ve lost both of my grandparents, and that’s like human loss that I’ve experienced, which is very interesting and growth initiat initiating. And about four and a half years, five years into my journey is when I got my book deal. And that was the height of my happiness and success and so exciting. And literally within that same a two week period, I lost one of my pets of 12 years. And this was like a soul pet, right, Suzanne? So I might even get a little tender here talking about it. And it’s been two and a half years. It was the most overwhelming flood of emotions I’d ever experienced.

(27:56):

Deep, intense grief. And I had no choice but to feel it and feel all of it. And it was really difficult, but it was also really, really precious because it was such a stupendous reflection of, wow, I loved so deeply how lucky I was to have loved so deeply, and it was hard to feel it. You can still hear it in my voice. It’s been probably two and a half years I guess now. And I’m so proud of being able to feel that. And I know that there were past versions of me that would’ve bypassed it, or even younger, immature versions of me. And you’re not immature if you drank when you are in grief or anything. I just want to illustrate how powerful and beautiful this was for me. But there were definitely versions of me that probably would’ve tried to drink that pain away.

(28:45):

And I’m so grateful for the brave version of me who was willing to feel it and experience it and let it process. And also, I think it was such a wonderful way to honor that soul that I loved so much to say, I love you so much that I’m willing to feel this pain. And just such an enlightening moment to feel and experience that. But I had a poaching moment during, just after Covid, I was working with a woman who was a nurse, and she dealt with a lot of Covid ward patients. So not precisely the type of work that your audience is doing, but quite similar. And she was just traumatized. And she said, Amanda, I’ve been, I’ve, I’ve not stopped drinking and I’ve not gone to therapy because I’m afraid to feel the pain. And I looked at her and I, isn’t that what you’re doing every day though when you choose to hold onto it? And I realized that when we drink, we’re not getting rid of our pain, we’re not making it smaller. We’re pickling it, we’re preserving it and holding it for later. And that is not good. We don’t want to do that. We even as uncomfortable as it is to feel it, it’s worse to pickle it and hold it in your body and store it and then keep storing it every day. Oh, it’s

Speaker 1 (30:13):

Exhausting.

Speaker 2 (30:14):

Exhausting.

Speaker 1 (30:14):

It’s exhausting. And I really even think it grows. I think it gets worse.

Speaker 2 (30:18):

I think

Speaker 1 (30:19):

So compounded when we’re just doing that. That is so powerful, Amanda. And I love when you said, I’m going to stand in courage and feel this because, because I love you so much. That is such a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2 (30:37):

Yeah, I think it’s such a way to honor someone or a soul no matter what soul form that soul took. It’s a way to show the deepest honor to them,

Speaker 1 (30:48):

And it’s honestly the only way to move through it. So it serves you, but it also is such a beautiful thing for your animal. I love that so much. This book is so special, and I’m so excited because I know how much potential each and every person has. If they just bottle it, how can they get this book? And congratulations on it. It’s tough this week. I’m so excited to get my copy. How can our listeners get the book?

Speaker 2 (31:14):

Well, you can grab it wherever books are sold. Amazon is obviously probably the easiest, but we love to celebrate and support local sellers. But I did read the audio book, so you can get that on Amazon, which is really special. I think it’s nice to hear the emotion. Obviously you can tell I’m an emotional person, so I think you get a special level of connection with that audio book. But I’d love for you to support it in any way. And I would love to connect with you if this resonated with you at all.

Speaker 1 (31:40):

Great. So we have all of her information below. Amanda, I want to thank you so much for writing this book and for being here on the podcast. You’re absolutely just such a gift.

Speaker 2 (31:50):

Oh, thanks Suzanne. I appreciate you so much.

Speaker 1 (31:52):

Alright, everyone, her information is below. Get Bottled Potential and bottle your potential. This is one life that we have to live. Don’t let it get by without you being your best version of you. Alright, everyone, thank you so much for being on this episode of Ask the Death Doula and we’ll see you in the next one. Thank you, Amanda.

Speaker 2 (32:10):

Thanks.